It’s been a while

Whats up y’all.

It’s been a full year since I last published. A couple of drafts have been used as a way of unloading but I never felt like sharing them. Don’t know why, guess I felt I didn’t need to, or want to. Whatever the reason, it’s been all quiet on here from me. Not that I’m expecting anyone to read these and be distraught by me not continuing what I started a couple years ago, but I’ve just not felt like sharing for the past year. This was always going to be a personal therapy tool for me that I put out in case it helps anyone, but if it’s not helping me then I’m not gonna write. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you’ve gotta look out for number 1 in this world of mental health. If your’e only doing it for other people it becomes draining and loses the whole point of why you do it.

But I feel now’s a good time to  unload and share again.

So where were we. The last year feels like so much has changed. I’ve got a new job, I’m back at college, I’m applying to university for  September, I’ve changed hockey teams, I’ve moved out and then back again. Oh and probably most importantly, I’ve found someone pretty fucking unbelievably special to me. Genuinely she’s amazing, it blows me away that someone as awesome as her would be interested in this little fucked up ball of crazy, but for some reason she seems to be in for the long haul. But more on that later. I won’t go into detail onto every change that’s happened as you guys probably don’t want to hear about it. But yeah, this years been busy.

It’s safe to say over the past 12 months life has moved (generally) in a positive direction. I love my new job (even though it’s a step backwards). It’s letting me learn every single day, help people and I now have a direction that I’m focused on. My uni applications are for Physiotherapy, and whilst I’m not keen on becoming a student again the course really excites me and it’s the career path I think I’ve wanted for a very long time. For the past 10 years I’ve been desperate to find any sense of direction in life. I’ve felt lost for pretty much the entirety of it. Like I’ve been a spectator in my own life, unable to do anything to affect the plot and just floating by whilst the years slip away from me. I’m sure loads of you can relate, that feeling that you should be the star of your own life story but never getting there. Well now I’m starting to feel differently. I can see a future for myself and where I want to get to. Not just that but it’s very achievable, and I can finally use the drive and energy I’ve always had in a productive way to become the best version of myself I can. And that has given me a real confidence and sense of self that I’ve never had before. It feels fucking incredible.

I moved hockey teams back to the club I was part of when my life fell apart. I know, what the fuck was I thinking… but with moving to uni next year I’ll be living away from home for the first time. And I might not move back, who knows. This could be the last chance I have to be in the same team as my brother, and I wanted to spend this season doing just that. I was gutted to leave after what happened. My hand was forced by a situation that wasn’t in my control, and I’ve always felt wronged and hurt because of that. I don’t want to dwell on it because I’ve come so far since then, and leaving was a big part of that, but I knew i’d come back at some point. And it’s been good for me, able to close a chapter that I didn’t want to keep going through. But the club I spent the last 18 months a part of was a truly wonderful part of my life. I was able to develop as a player beyond where I ever thought I’d get to, met some amazing people that put my faith back in to hockey as a social environment I could be a part of and helped me to rebuild what was essentially a broken individual when I joined. So to everyone there, thank you. You’ll all never know or understand how much this time has meant to me, and I’m grateful for every moment of it. It was the best season yet.

And the new person in my life is incredible. After what happened last time I was ready to be alone for the rest of my life. Genuinely. I felt I had to be, deserved to be, clearly if I was so worthless as to have that happen to me, there was clearly something wrong with me. All those insecurities that dictate the way i am in relationships and that I can’t control were true weren’t they? I had to protect myself from that happening again it was better to completely shut down and guarantee my own safety than have the possibility of happiness. It sounds bizarre now, but I needed to feel that way. Well now i realise that I can be worth it to someone. That I’m not too much of a mess. That someone can see the absolute worst of me, the person I hate and still want to  stick around. She knows exactly how much she means to me and I can’t wait to see what happens in our future. I won’t embarrass her on here, but she knows…

All things considered I’m probable the best I’ve been in my entire life. More settled, more confident and with one eye on the future instead of the past.

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows though. There’s still a very dark cloud that hangs over me every single day. I hope for the day I wake up and just feel “normal” without the monkey in my head. I’m having more and more days when I’m able to wake up and concentrate on the day and what I’m doing instead of all my energy being pulled into how I’m feeling, but it still creeps up. With all the positive changes I’ve got more confidence and belief in myself and I can’t tell you how amazing that feels. But I”ll still have those moments that fuck me sideways. Those times I suddenly realise I’m sat in the middle of a group of people and panic. The times I realise how happy I am and it scares me that this shouldn’t happen to me and I start to shut off. The times when I wake up after half an hours sleep panicking that I’m gonna be early thirties by the time I start my career and already behind everyone else. The times when I’m sat with my family (who I love and adore with every bit  of me) and feel like the odd one out, the one that doesn’t fit the jigsaw puzzle. The times my heart literally pounds so hard I can see it bouncing through my shirt and I feel I’m having a heart attack.

These moments still tear me apart.

Take this week. I’ve got a presentation at work, a uni interview, I’m planning a stag do, a full day at college on Sunday. Plus in the back of my mind there’s my biology exams, another 2 uni interviews, my wedding speech, 2 holidays, starting uni (if i get in), moving away, finding part time work, getting a house OH MY GOD I’M GONNA FUCKING EXPLODE!!!

And I wake up having an anxiety attack. That lasts for near enough 2 hours. Out of fucking nowhere. Pounding chest, thoughts racing so hard I don’t know whats real, sweats, choking dry mouth, uncontrollable bathroom trips, feeling unbelievably cold and scared it won’t stop. It really fucked me up for a couple days, being drained and embarrassed and feeling so weak again. Fuck me I hate this head of mine at times. The monkey needs to fuck right off. He always knows just how to get me. Little fucker.

But with he help and support of those around me, my routines and habits, my crisis strategy, exercise, diet and more importantly TALKING ABOUT IT (see what I did there) I’m able to keep going. Cause sometimes, just getting up and surviving is a good day. I’m not over it, I’m just not quitting. The sun rises and tomorrows a new day. Not belittling it and saying I just got back to normal, I just don’t feel the energy is best wasted glorifying it on here. It happened, it fucking sucks but we have to keep going. It’s all we’ve got.

So I won’t ramble on much more, I’m planning to get back to writing these more regularly, cause as I’ve always said – if you’ve got a voice on this, use it. You just don’t know who you might help. And this next few months is gonna be huge. Everything’s changing, it’s gonna be stressful, and I’m gonna need all my coping strategies.

But let me just say this. If I’ve learnt one thing this last year it’s this: You have the  power to shape the way you live your life. I know just how hard it is to keep going and see a future when your head weighs a ton and you can’t see straight with your thoughts literally eating you alive and making you feel worthless, but taking little baby steps in the right direction might just save your life and change it for the better. Even something as simple as cooking a proper meal, cleaning your room or going for a walk.

So keep your head up, stand tall and be proud of who you are. We’re all warriors in this fight and it’s a fucking battle at times, but we got this. YOU got this.

Till next time

Peace, Fuckers

P.s. Only kidding. Much love xx

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