‘sup people, it’s been a while, how y’all doing?
I always think when I read questions at the start of posts like this it comes across a bit self entitled, like I got some massive audience who are desperate to hear from me for some reason. It’s more to get you asking yourself, and to check in with how you’re really feeling. It’s easy to overlook yourself.
So since my last post a LOT has changed. I won’t bore you with going in to every tiny little detail. But to summarise – going back to uni this September, moved to a new city to live with someone very special, passed A level biology (although didn’t get what i wanted), was best man for the best man in the world, had 2 months out injured. Thats the jist of it I think.
I know I don’t need to justify myself on here about how regularly I post. No-ones probably reading this anyway. But this past 6 months has been fucking crazy. Uni interviews, exams, moving departments at work, house hunting, injury, wedding planning, stag do planning, saving for uni, long distance relationship, etc. It’s all been a bit hectic.
And as we all know when you’re busy self care tends to slip a little bit.
I have a good idea of the habits I need to keep to stay in a stable place: Sleep, Diet, Exercise, Company and Focus.
Sleep is probs the most important – it’s definitely the one that fucks me up the most when it’s not good. And I have a routine to keep it in check – reduce caffeine/sugar in the evening, no screens an hour before sleep, read 30 mins before bed and herbal tea. But I’ve definitely slipped with it. Letting Netflix auto play until 11, scrolling Insta until the early hours then trying to nod off with a head spinning. Trying to sleep with a head like a washing machine and getting angry and upset when I can’t nod off, then being fucked the next day cause I can’t wake up. That cycle continues until you’ve fallen into a rut that you can’t think straight. I know what I need to do correct it. CBT, Yoga therapy, mindfulness and meditation have given me the skills to sort my shit out when I’m in that place. But breaking the barrier of “what the fuck is going on” is hard when you’re in that place. Getting past your own immediate feelings and thoughts and looking att things rationally is so unbelievably hard when things seem like their a million miles an hour and treading water takes all your energy.
Boozing too. I’ve always had an up -down relationship with alcohol, and I won’t get into that now. But the few beers on a friday or Saturday turned into 4-5 nights a week. All that shit does is fuck me up further. Get’s me on a real self destructive, inward thinking negative self talk spiral that’s hard to shake.
It’s like I’ve been a bit of a zombie the past few months. I’ve been hiding it pretty well, but in all honesty I’ve been fucking panicking. Having that constant internal crisis of “how can I do this?”, “No way I’m good enough”, “I’m gonna fuck this up”, “no one’s gonna like me” “everything’s gonna fall apart” “why would anyone wanna be around me” and on, and on, and on. Fuck I hate this spiral. Just keeps coming back. When I feel like I’ve finally got a handle on things it takes the tiniest trivial thing to set me back. Fuck this brain of mine…
Earlier this year I rotated departmments at work. To an area I knew nothing about, and frankly it scared me a little. I was in a comfort zone in my last team and felt good about myself, had some confidence in myself and my abilities, was good with the other staff and patients, things were all good. In my last 2 weeks in the team we had a few new staff members who I clashed with and it really unsettled me before my move. Felt like a worthleess piece of shit again and was dreading going in to my new team. I didn’t know anyone there, I’d never worked on the ward and feel like my last few months at work is gonna break me. I’ve already got my uni place confirmed I’m just biding my time till I go. But still I can’t shake the feelings of fear that it’s going to be awful. And to be honest, the first 2 months were. I couldn’t click with the team, felt like my seniors looked at me like a piece of shit that they had no time for, I didn’t understand anything I was faced with, couldn’t talk to people again and was trying my hardest to be a ghost. And that continued for some time. Walking in to work praying for a quick shift, even though days felt like years. Anything I’d say or do felt wrong or I’d get anxious and embarrassed so much that the feeling of walking on to the ward terrified me. Taking the long way to the ward to take 5 minutes longer before I start my shift. Bringing equipment up from stores just so I have a reason to get out of the environment for a few minutes. Even hiding in a fucking toilet cubicle ccause I can’t get my shit together. All this is so fucking embarrassing at the time and makes you feel like such a stupid worthless prick.
It’s fair to say I wasn’t feeling myself. I felt like walking away early. To be honest thaat feeling stayed with me until my last few weeks. It was a really tough time and I’m kinda glad to see the back of it.
Don’t get me wrong. By the end I was understanding things better, getting on better with people and things were getting easier. But I think that was because I became a bit numb to it all, like the place had broken a little bit of me. The unrelenting feelings take their toll after a while, and you get to a point where you stop caring so much, where you cann ignore whats going on around you and just keep your head down. Don’t get me wrong, I HATE feeling like that. I’m a passionate, caring, empathetic individual and when a situation gets to a point that I can’t handle so much that I start to switch off inside, that kills me. That few months at work was a reality check. Things aren’t always comfortable, or easy, or enjoyable. Sometimes life is just fucking turd. Sometimes you have to go through shit to get to somewhere beter. I wish I could sit here and say I turned it around and it was all good in the end. But it wasn’t. I felt the same at the end as I did at the start. The only difference now is I know I can go through it and be ok. And I’ve got a deeper resilience to whats coming in the future, cause I know I can handle it.
And I do get that it’s a good experience, it will pay off in the future, I’ve learnt so much, it will help in my degree; I get all of that. I understand it will help. But this last few months has been hard. Really hard. There have been times I’ve been close to breaking. Moments where I doubted everything about me and hated the man I saw in the mirror again. I’ve worked so hard to get to a point where I don’t fucking despise that guy, I can’t let that happen again. Im starting a new chapter and I have to look after myself. And it’s all been a reminder that this journey doesn’t end when you stop counselling. When you find a way of coping. When you meet someone who changes your life. You have to keep regularly checking in and grounding yourself to get a sense of where you are in the moment.
It’s not all been a complete shit show. There have been some incredible moments recently. Having the honour to be one of the best men for one of my oldest friends was something special. Moving in with my partner to our first home is amazing annd I’m so excited about our life together. And having the fresh start in a new city is gonna be really good for me. I get to be the person I’ve wanted to be all this time but haven’t felt able to. Closing the chapter of my life that has had it’s ups and downs to be fair. I’ll never forget wwhere I come from, it’s made me who I am. but i’m ready to see where I’m going, and I’m gonna do my best to take in the moments that make it a wonderful journey.